I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
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Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
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I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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