Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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