Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
