Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
