elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
