man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
