I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I had to cum in my sink.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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