fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
