i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
