i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
