I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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