Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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