I met the friendliest cop last night
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
