Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
