I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
