Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
