She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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