I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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