so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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