I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
