Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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