The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
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