I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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