My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
