Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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