I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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