I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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