she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
