I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
pray to the hookup gods
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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