Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
