a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
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walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
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Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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