ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
