She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
