Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
