i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
this beer tastes like vomit already
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
This is the prime rib incident all over again
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
