I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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