Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
