Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
