Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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