one word: firstdatebathroomanal
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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