I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
