I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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