even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Randomize
