Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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