guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
