i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
