im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
please come you make the beer taste better
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
