Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Randomize
