speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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