I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
