I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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