operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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