What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
