from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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