The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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