seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
