My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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