I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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