At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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