Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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